


your hollow souls

by ohmyheichou



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Gen, Tattoos
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-03
Updated: 2014-06-25
Packaged: 2018-01-21 17:53:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1558985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmyheichou/pseuds/ohmyheichou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone bears marks. Guilt, pain, and regret dripping from their hands like the blood of their friends and the tears they cannot cry. In the end, they are only human.</p><p>**ON HIATUS**</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fade In and Out

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Marks They Bear](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1344850) by [Khyeili](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khyeili/pseuds/Khyeili). 



Everyone has them. Or at least, everyone gets them. 

The marks are like tattoos, sometimes beautiful, sometimes not, but what they stand for is never beautiful; they represent pain, regret and guilt.

Sometimes they fade, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they flare back up when you remember. Some fade quite easily, so some people have smooth, clear skin most days. Some carve their way ever deeper into the flesh, until they resemble scars more than tattoos.

The marks they bear are usually quite visible; after all, what is the point of a reminder that you cannot see? 

Tattoos on the hands are common. Civilians are usually marked on the hands, and the hands only. The marks aren't so bold, and they usually fade with time, as though all it takes to wash away their regret is a bit of soap and hot water. Those who have more significant problems often have marks on their faces, as though they wish to be reminded of their guilt every time they look in the mirror. 

Some marks are not so visible: scars over their hearts and eerily accurate birthmarks left behind by the people they love(d).

Predictably, those in the military tend to have more tattoos than civilians. 

Equally unsurprising is the fact that members of the Military Police look more like civilians than soldiers, really, because they tend to have unblemished skin. Some of them choose to get actual tattoos to imitate the guilty ones, to hide their own selfishness in having chosen this easy life. It’s still easy to tell that they are imitations, because real tattoos are made with beautiful colors, hot pinks and shimmering golds, while pain is often etched into one's skin with black, like shame, or red, the color of blood. Even when the marks they bear are beautiful, it is clear that they stem from some kind of tragedy.

Those in the Scouting Legion are often covered in marks from head to toe ( ~~at least, the ones that survive~~ ), their regrets and their guilt too many to be confined to their hands, too obvious to conceal somewhere else on their bodies. The bodies they bring back are generally unblemished, too young to have had any real regrets.

The Stationary Guard tend not to have many marks, though they at least are less inclined to get tattoos, being less vain than the Military Police. They live happy lives, wasting their time away with drinking and gambling. But then the Colossal and Armored Titans appear, and suddenly everyone who survives the Fall of Shiganshina has marks everywhere. Some are left with blood splattered on their face, others with civilian blood staining their hands, still others with black lines running across their bodies for every person they lost. It is a reminder that they failed when it mattered most.

The marks vary, but in the end everyone is human, and so in the end everyone bears at least some marker of their regrets.


	2. 104th Training Squad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not all the trainees have the marks. Trost changes that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any Jean lovers, sorry I made him into an asshole. I love him too but he's kind of a dick sometimes, and it seemed fitting.

The people within Wall Rose are selfish. Not being possessed of any tattoos themselves, they have no sympathy for these strangely marked outsiders from Wall Maria. Eren resents them with a fury that shouldn't really exist in a boy so young and so small. Many from Wall Maria choose to enlist, some motivated by a desire to remedy the guilt embodied by their tattoos, some by a desire to get to Wall Sina, and still others to just get away from Rose's civilians. Eren is probably the only one who is trying to kill all of the Titans.

~ ~ ~

When they enlist, Shadis passes over those with tattoos. They have already been through hell, and it shows on their skin. None of Mikasa’s are visible, but he passes over her all the same. After enough time in the military, recognizing the haunted look that accompanies the tattoos becomes child’s play. Guilt is written in the blankness of one’s eyes and the hollowness of one’s soul, not just in the marks one bears.

Some of the recruits bear no marks. Eren is as disgusted by them as they are fascinated by him. He has tear stains on his face, but they are not tragically beautiful as might have been expected. No, his marks look more like scarring, as though someone had tried to rip the very skin off of him. And perhaps he had, in the dead of night, when there was nothing but him and the blankness of the sky above.

Jean makes the mistake of making fun of Eren's tears, sneering _crybaby_. Soon people are asking to see his, and when it becomes clear that he doesn't have any, many trainees are left disgusted by his blatant disregard for another's pain.

~ ~ ~

Connie doesn’t have any. Sasha has some white marks on her hands, but no one asks what they mean. 

Krista’s entire body is clear, and everyone assumes it’s because she’s such a saint. 

Ymir has some old markings, as does Annie, but no one’s stupid enough to ask where they’re from. 

Marco has some on his hands, but he just smiles and says they’re just stupid stories from when he was younger. 

Armin has a lot, a sea of regrets moving up his body, one wave at a time, but he doesn't ever speak of them. 

Reiner has a mask over his face. He didn’t have it when he first enlisted, but the mask starts growing the longer he’s in training. Every time he looks in the mirror, the marks grow bolder. When he spends time with Eren, they start spreading. When he spends time with Bertholt, they retreat just a little. Eventually, Reiner stops looking in the mirror. The mask is gone by the time they graduate, and only some of the tattoos show up from time to time.

~ ~ ~

Trost changes everything.


	3. To Fight (Mikasa)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mikasa is wonderful. That is all.

She just doesn’t care anymore. She can’t live without a home, and she is just so cold she might freeze to death. But the tattoos on her legs do their job and she moves automatically, reflexes and guilt ingrained in her body and soul. 

*

Her hands have small red specks on them, splinters left over from when they tried and failed to lift the beam off of Carla. She turned away so that she couldn't see, but the pain and the guilt still linger.

* 

She has green spiraling up her arms, a reminder not to give up. Giving up is tantamount to forgetting Eren, and she can never, ever forget him.

*

She rallies everyone, but Armin is fairly certain she is not her usual self. He watches with wide eyes as red begins to creep up her neck. When she moves away, it's harder to tell, but he could have sworn he saw red thorns choking her. He is vindicated when she suddenly plummets out of the sky.

*

She has marks winding around her legs. She doesn't remember when she got them, but they are repetitions of her family symbol. It is her only remaining link to her mother, and it is a constant reminder that she failed to run when it mattered. She doesn't gain any new tattoos while living with the Jaegers, and she swears she never will.

*

Eren says _fight_. She obeys.

*

She feels cold. Her captors comment that she is at least unblemished, which will please their customers. Her mother had had markings, though they were few, and faded besides. Her skin is clear, as children’s skin should be, and it doesn’t show the regret swimming through her veins. But then again, she can't really feel anything. She is just so cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i tried some non-chronological stuff. idk if it had the effect i was looking for


	4. No Regrets (Levi)

People have been whispering about Levi all his life. He's small, he looks strange, he's young, he's _vulnerable_. So they whisper about him, and sometimes he even believes them. He knows better. He isn't swine; he has a mind of his own. That doesn't make it any harder to ignore the whispers and the looks.

Levi has no visible tattoos. Nothing on his face or his hands. It isn't that strange for someone in the Underground. There are only extremes there: people drowning in their guilt and people who, for whatever reason, have no regrets. Sometimes, in the Underground, it's easier not to care about anything. You can't lose anything if you don't have it to begin with.

It isn't strange for someone in the Underground, but it is strange for a soldier. He comes back from each expedition with a clear face and clean, steady hands. They whisper that he is heartless. Others whisper that he is too strong to have regrets. That he is a killing machine incapable of feeling anything.

He knows better than that, but sometimes he believes them. He can't see any of his regrets, after all, and that must mean that he has none.

No, Levi has the names of all his lost comrades scrawled over his back, but he doesn't realize this until Erwin sees him one day.

He'd been up early, scrubbing away the nonexistent traces of Titan blood on his clothes, when Erwin steps into the washroom. He hears a sharp inhale and turns.

Erwin asks if he knows what his marks look like, if he's ever seen them. He says no, and Erwin tells him what they are.

They are the Wings of Freedom.

Every person he has ever lost is represented on his back, a permanent and physical manifestation of the guilt he feels. It motivates him, and sometimes he believes that they are actual wings, because he has never once made a mistake in the air.

And hopefully, he never will, because he doesn't want to become someone else's regret.


	5. The Lie That You Adore (Erwin)

Like Levi, Erwin bears no marks. At least, none that can be seen. People believe that he has marks, but that they are held close to his heart. They should have vilified him. They should have whispered that he was heartless, because he was far more deserving of that insult than was Levi. But Levi is small, dark and unapproachable. Erwin is tall, blond, and charming. What a world of difference that makes.

They call Levi heartless. They assume that Erwin’s regrets are close to his heart, that his pain is too near to expose to the world. They call Levi a machine. They assume that Erwin struggles with the sacrifices he must make on every expedition. They call Levi rude. They assume that Erwin cares about them, that he _is_ one of them. He isn’t, of course, but how could cattle discern true concern from a cheap, placating smile?

How truly foolish they are. The general populace, the Military Police, the Garrison, even the members of the Scouting Legion. Sometimes, usually after getting back from an expedition, Erwin shuts himself in his quarters. It isn’t unusual. Many soldiers can’t bear the company of others and go off to mourn in silence. They understand that Erwin has to put up a strong front when there are eyes watching, but that he has his own fair share of guilt.

What they don’t know - what _no one_ knows, save Erwin’s inner circle - is that Erwin shuts himself in because he can’t let anyone see him. Blood oozes down his face and coats him in the deaths of his men. He sometimes can’t breathe for the red on his face. When he looks in the mirror, he just sees death, death, and more death. He can’t let the soldiers see just how much he regrets every expedition.

But the marks fade, as they always do, and soon he can go offer the cadets a charming smile as he is wont to do.

Guilt never lasts for Erwin Smith.


End file.
